Value the human race over arms race

Dec 30, 2012

gunSo I guess that whole Mayan calendar end of the world thing kind of fell flat.

Too bad, because I’ve always been quite curious about the Great Beyond.

I picture a place where everyone would “do unto others” against a backdrop of brilliant blue skies and fluffy white clouds, with sweet triple rainbows every Wednesday.

There would be no pollution. And the atmosphere composed of nearly pure oxygen would nourish our brains, allowing nearly everyone to believe in science and facts.

The whole place would not be run by rich people on the take from even richer people. The economic system wouldn’t be rigged. And everybody would have decent health care, even though they wouldn’t need it because — cancer? What’s that?

The politicians would be reasonable, and they would compromise for the greater good.

People would always be aware of their surroundings, instead of spending half the time staring into their phones and wiggling their thumbs.

If there was a fiscal cliff, a peek over the edge would reveal …; a breathtaking waterfall splashing into an aqua-hued lagoon, a lush oasis of citrus trees populated by adorable monkeys (seeing, hearing, speaking no evil) and garrulous parrots, beaks buzzing with polite small talk and big ideas about the plight of humanity.

We would all agree about climate change, because there wouldn’t be any. There would be no white noise about mandatory ultrasounds. No politics based on spite. And a bright, compassionate, exceptional president would evoke more harmony than hate.

Common sense would carry the day over bone ignorance.

Also, there would be no: tsunamis, home invasions, debt ceiling debacles, cruelty to animals, Ponzi schemes, filibusters, terrorism, childhood obesity, adult onset stupidity, bed bugs, sweat shops, voter suppression, naked aggression, Satan, collateral damage, water boarding, allowable levels of E. coli, birthers, swine flu, congressmen saying asinine stuff about rape, white supremacists, Black Friday, gangrene, rabid skunks, people who say “cowinky-dink,” corporate welfare, unsightly blotches, sex offenders, grim reapers, mullets, super PACs, fiscal quagmires, sensitive vampires, rotten apples, racism, hidden fees, WMDs, killer bees, dictators, phonies or haters.

Yeah, and there wouldn’t be any guns there because nobody would have any use for them — what with a zero-based crime rate and free venison for all.

So sorry, but no Bushmaster assault rifles (main purpose: slaughtering human beings). No .22s, .45s or AK-47s. No submachine guns or semi-automatics.

No Derringers, Gatlings or Colts. No howitzers, bazookas or Uzis. No rocket launchers or M-16s.

Thanks, but no tanks.

Nobody goin’ off half-cocked with a Glock.

No punk playin’ make-my-day with a sawed-off.

No innocent child getting dropped in a drive-by.

No lead-pumpers or metal-squirters. No sidearms, leg holsters or itchy trigger fingers.

No Saturday-night specials or Sunday go-to-meetin’ Magnums.

No high-capacity magazines. In fact, on the magazine rack — think “Saturday Evening Post,” not Guns & Ammo.

There would be no firefighters shot dead while racing to battle a blaze on Christmas Eve (Webster, N.Y.). No church lady gunned down while hanging Christmas decorations (Hollidaysburg, Pa.). No 3-year-old shooting himself in the head with his father’s pistol when dad hopped out to pump gas (Tacoma, Wash.). There would be no 30,000-plus gun deaths every year (America).

If there is a promised land — and today I am more inclined than ever to pray that there is — I bet it is a place where people put greater value on the safety of children than on gun industry profits. Where nobody would think it was a swell idea to flood our schools with loaded, lethal weapons.

A place where we would value the human race over the arms race. A place where any wish for progress toward peace on Earth is not frozen in the crosshairs of ever-more pieces on Earth.

— John Breneman

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