Chapter 3: Barracuda Inc.
Fact: The Sarah Palin industry is the fastest-growing sector of the economy here in real America.
This according to a special report in the Main Street Journal that hails the emerging mini-mogul as a one-woman economic stimulus package. By using her growing media and political influence to monetize family, faith and flag, it said, the hard-charging hockey mom has netted an incredibly profitable hat trick.
“No one beats CEO Sarah at using ‘family values’ shtick to boost her family’s net value,” said The Journal, which dubbed her sprawling “only in America” political/infotainment empire Barracuda Inc.
Once she ditched that drab, chump-change ($125K) Alaska desk job, she was free to pursue her longheld dream of exploiting the full revenue-generating power of family, faith and, of course, flag.
And now that the almost-VP’s GDP exceeds that of most small- to medium-sized countries, it is our satiric, civic duty to conduct a thorough Palinomic analysis (micro and macro) of the woman who could become the first trillionaire president of the United States, when you factor in potential deals for reality TV shows, first-person shooter video games (“Gall of Duty” and “Reload!”) and endorsements for guns, drills, tea, flags, hockey pucks, lipstick and pitbulls.
The lovable “Rogue” raked in an estimated $7 million money bomb for her bestselling memoir. And “America by Heart,” a book of miscellaneous patriotica that Palin is calling a “tribute to American values,” was expected to break publishing industry records in the Political Opportunism genre.
Then tack on several million more clams for her Discovery channel documentary “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” in which she’s paid to shoot a caribou and to refrain from shooting fellow reality TV drama queen Kate Gosselin.
A spokesman said that if “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” succeeds in the ratings, the network hopes to deploy her to other states for such specials as “Sarah Palin’s Hawaii,” in which the noted presidential critic “heads to Honolulu to track down Barack Obama’s birthplace.” (Possible things to shoot: sea turtle)
Speech, speech!
Naturally, as a pre-eminent, much-sought-after virtuoso of the oratorical arts, Palin commands astronomical speaking fees — typically $100,000 per incoherent, jingoistic monologue.
Real customers have included the Bowling Proprietors Association of America, the Wine & Spirits Wholesalers of America, and the Sierra-Cascade Logging Conference. And of course the national Tea Party keynote in Nashville. Possible future audiences could include Pregnant Teen Mothers for Abstinence, Benevolent & Protective Order of Petroleum Drillers and AK-47 Aficionados of Real America.
Fox News is paying her an undisclosed 17-figure jackpot for her ill-defined gig as a commentator. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news,” Sarah said on her first day, perhaps trying to butter up the boss. Sources say her Fox contract does not mandate that she use its much-ridiculed “fair and balanced” catchphrase, she just instinctively did so on her own.
However, the blogosphere was abuzz with rumors that Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly orchestrated Palin’s “fair and balanced” propaganda blurb as part of a Fox News hazing prank by telling the rookie Rupert Murdoch gives hefty “F&B bonuses” for saying “fair and balanced” on air.
Her stint as Fox’s new hired gun began with an embarrassing misfire. (Rapper/TV star LL Cool J objected to Fox pulling an old interview he gave to someone else and slapping conservative lightning rod Sarah Palin’s name on it as one of her faux-thentic “Real American Stories.”) At Fox, the stylish Palin will also contribute exclusive reports about new trends involving the nexus of politics and fashion. (“Red is the new black.” “Trillion is the new billion.”)
And though her lack of tousled blond hair is considered a drawback in the Fox newsroom, a high-ranking executive said the network’s good-old-boy hierarchy is confident the former pageant queen possesses “both the body and the legs to get the job done.” She is also rumored to be negotiating a lucrative deal with Murdoch to pen a Dear Sarah advice column for his newspaper/media empire.
Palinomic analysis
In short, the Palin brand is booming! The juggernaut of potential deals leaves even the most seasoned Sarah Inc. insiders struggling to keep up — from a Pay-Per-View pro wrestling cameo to sassy workout DVDs, action figures and bobble-head dolls. There is even talk of a signature fragrance — essence of grizzly urine for the inner hunter in us all.
Sources say Craftsman is eyeing Palin as a spokesman for its forthcoming “Drill, Baby, Drill” line of 19.2-volt cordless power drills and drivers. Variable speed motor (0-650 RPM), 24 torque settings, sweet ergonomic design and keyless chuck — perfect for constructing campaign signs that say “Obama’s a schmuck!”
Coming soon, sources say Sarah will roll out an online Palin gift shop like her colleagues O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who is making a mint conning people into buying gold coins with his talk of socialistic shock troops and apocalyptic doom. In addition to the usual trinkets like keychains, caps and coffee mugs, there will be uniquely Palinesque specialty items (Aunt Gertrude will love this pearl-handled Sarah Palin pistol — perfect for warding off those jack-booted death-panel goons!).
Political economists say it is difficult to accurately assess how many jobs the bustling Palin industry has created, but anecdotal evidence suggests there are thousands of full-time positions on the left for fact checkers, lie rebutters and Palin Derangement Syndrome counselors, while thousands on the right toil 6-8 hours a day defending Sarah on hostile message boards while awaiting her next tweet.
Now granted, most of these are unpaid positions. But they could lead to actual part-time work selling Sarah Palin memorabilia on eBay.
North Korean President Kim Jong-Il is reportedly a big collector of Palin paraphernalia (Palinalia?), having successfully bid $416 to acquire his prize: an autographed team picture from the 1982 Wasilla High School Warriors’ state basketball championship. He also claims to have a plastic tiara from Palin’s runner-up bid for the 1984 Miss Alaska crown.
Yes, the lady who can see Putin rearin’ his Russian head from her kitchen is goin’ multinational! Palin’s economic impact is felt from Italy, where “Going Rogue” topped the charts as “Furfante di Andare,” to Japan, where children love the furry boots and backpacks from her Hello Coyote line.
And with “America by Heart” due to be printed in 114 languages thanks to Palin’s immense if inexplicable international popularity, translators are scrambling to figure out how to say “You betcha” in Swahili, Polish and Pashtun dialects.
Run, Sarah, Run!
Regardless of where one stands on the issues, there is near universal agreement that a Sarah Palin presidential run would provide a major jolt to the ailing U.S. economy — starting with the day Palin throws her hat in the ring and millions of women jam Amazon.com trying to purchase the same hat online.
The death-panel industry alone is anticipating triple-digit growth, and there is a who’s who of Hollywood lefties — from Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon to George Clooney and Michael Moore — who would mortgage their mansions and empty their checkbooks if they felt Palin had a legitimate chance of winning the presidency.
Some say the $5 billion-plus spent by candidates, political parties and interest groups during the 2008 will seem like “chicken feed” in 2012 as Team Palin churns out campaign swag capitalizing on her love of capitalism and her gift for using folksy photo-ops to enhance her highly profitable status as a “real American.”
Just think of the posters! Collector’s edition prints of Sarah posing with fish in fisherman’s clothing, posing with guns in hunting and/or military settings, posing with snowmobile champions in NASCAR-like settings. Red, white and blue glossies of homespun Sarah taking on Big Government with a shotgun.
Palin’s presence also would mean that for the first time in history the presidential race would receive 24/7 tabloid coverage from Us Weekly, TMZ and the National Enquirer. Also, look for GQ, Vogue and Cosmo to press the candidates for their views on metrosexual marriage.
The God Factor
A presidential candidacy could also draw closer scrutiny of Palin’s relationship with her longtime her spiritual adviser and chief campaign strategist. God. Palin said in a Nov. 2008 interview: “I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door … even if it’s cracked up a little bit.”
Whatever she decides, despite her relative lack of experience, Palin has no fear of making a wrong move in politics or business because of that faith in her organization’s longtime No.2 man. The Lord figures prominently in all of Palin’s dealings, helping to keep her focused on family values and just helping out around the house — often pitching in as her go-to symbol for righteousness when she wants to put some godless liberal in his place.
But Palin doesn’t just blindly accept all of God’s advice. In fact, she notably rejects the Lord’s quaint (she might say socialist) notions about helping the poor and “spreading the wealth.”
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Chapter 4: FOXY NEWSMAKER